Goddamnit I hate your level headedness
ok please explain why some one shaved half of my pubes?
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
Well when you're drinking tequila mixed with water out of a steve Austin cup I really don't think acquiring a straw is your main priority
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
The fact that he is from Canada is way more embarrassing than the fact that you met him on match.com
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
My chest smells like french fries. Get at me attractive men.
You just kept walking around in a circle saying "well played 6th street well played" before falling over.
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
Randomize
