I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
a creepy fucking ass man came up and started raven cawwing in my ear... he said it was the raven mating call. i am officially freaked out
everytime she opens her mouth i wish that i was deaf
you don't understand, he speaks spanish and is tall. i have to do him.
The house is trashed, there is porn scattered everywhere like an easter egg hunt and the blow up doll is sleeping on the couch downstairs. someone covered her up.
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
I'm 50% okay with that amount of body contact... plus/minus 7% based on where blood may flow.
Where's Taylor bro?
Never mind found him under the sink
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
he sent me a picture of him holding out his pinky so we could pinky promise. i have to fuck him now
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
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