the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
It was the single greastest thing to happen to my dick ever
So I accidentally txted this girl with the same name as the one im seeing, as it turns out shes still dtf
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
when we asked you if you had had anything to drink tonight you looked up from the toilet while cupping the water into your hands and said "this.. just this"
i feel like our whole relationship was one big acid trip
You Were screaming "Im trying to get it in" and "stop cock blocking" while i threw you in the car
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
I gave him blue balls & ate the last slice of pie so the chances of a second date are slim...
I'm just down here gazing up into your ivory tower of nudes
you gave me money for the cab and then walked home..
Randomize
