Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
Apparently after I threw up I put my socks in the toilet......
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
i dont get why youre mad at me. i promised you he looked like jim morrison and you failed to ask me like which era
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
I found it. now I'm going to the gym to be "healthy" or whatever that folklore is called.
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
Randomize
