dont worry your back hair reminds me of angel wings
Taking my final with a coffee mug full of keystone... best semester ever.
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
I really want to go out tonight but part of me wants to be able to honestly tell the judge tomorow that I didn't
He yelled "juice on the loose", yes i am sure i need plan b
For some reason there are two like 10 year old black girls crumping at the bar. I feel like I'm in a missy elliot video.
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
Omg it was awesome. At one point she says "cum in me, I'm too old to get pregnant".
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
I appear to have wine on my toes. I am really not clear as to how this happened. I'm gonna have a little lie down.
I just want to smoke this blunt and eat pizza rolls while watching The Price Is Right with you.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
We'd like to invite you to our threesome! Lingerie is encouraged and drinks will be provided. Next Friday, roommate night, my bedroom. Hope to see you there!
Randomize
