I just saw a hot homeless man
Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
its like his balls were made of silver and he was trying to polish the tarnish off
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
God, you're like boner-b-gone
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
He poured champagne on my pussy while he ate me out. I found my unicorn.
Did i fall last night when u carried me home.
idk
OHHH yea you fell down the stairs face first
All I remember is pissing by the garage and the next thing I know I'm on fire
one week and then i'm back on the sexual grind. a party is being planned in my vagina's honor
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
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