im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
Ummmm yeah ..,.. All three girlfriends I have right now are chatting with each other at the party...... I'll see you on the other side
I don't want to eat him, he probably tastes terrible.
she both took care of me and took advantage of me. it was BEAUTIFUL.
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
It looks like someone bombed the living room with his and your clothes, bra, packing peanuts, nerf gun and ammo, rc helicopter, leftover chinese food and a leather paddle.
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
Is it sad that I have better conversations with his roommate before or after sex than I do with him in general?
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
I dont even know what happened i just remember waking up with beer cans outlining my body...
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
Randomize
