My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
i've decided to use this saturday afternoon to take care of my pube situation
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
My hanfda are one with the u niverse and I am cirretnly inhaling a couch
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
CURRENTLY PLAYING FLIP CUP WITH A WORLD SERIES CHAMPION
What happened last night? I'm too scared to get out of bed and see the destruction.
First of all, check to see if that naked guy is still alive. He didn't look to be breathing when I left
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
The logic in me says "don't text him" .But the vagina in me says "text him".
you were making out with a girl because you told her you were part of Nsync
Randomize
