Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
All I know is that we apparently made a drink we named The Single Girl which is rum, vodka, grain alcohol, and sprite and rolled around in the backyard.
It was like stroking your vagina with a cloud.
there is a guy passed out on top of me and i don't know what to do. help if you're awake? was anyone anyone expecting someone? maybe he found the wrong room?
I didn't want to have shaved for no reason, so I told him I'd blow him if he would just come over and appreciate the smoothness of my legs.
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
Ok, now help me add to my topless picture collection, i'm going to make myself a calendar
I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
LMAO
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
Randomize
