Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
honestly, magaritas are the void men can't fill.
I'm quite proud of this turning point from one night stands to giving some guy a BJ to fix my car for free.
I will miss his soup and his dick the most
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
I'm wearing a dinosaur hat bikini cone bra over my shirt. So good things are happening
I think he's hit rock bottom. You know it's a low point in life when you cry because you weren't invited to sit in a box car and watch porn with two other straight dudes.
Do you participate in Sunday morning booty calls?
Dammit! I didn't see this message, of course I do.
Did I mention I hooked up with another country star? I think I need some sort of trophy for each time, yah know? Or like a sash and I win a badge or patch for each person. Like a slutty Girl Scout.
You should help rebuild my confidence with your dick. Altruism: Pass it on.
We need to get fucked up again and play games like "save the tequila but dodge the knife"
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
Randomize
