Just met someone from Jersey. No fist pumps or jagerbombs. Kind of disappointed...
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
She has a facebook friends list called oops. theres 33 people in it. she said its all the guys she regrets fucking.
I would let Bear Grills repel down a waterfall using my dick if I could go to sleep right now.
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
Still dying that you shit outside
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
HE LITERALLY JUST PEED IN MY ROOM IDK WHAT TO DO HELP
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
I find celibacy oppressive. Huge waste of my time and talents.
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
Damn, I just did coke with a dude in a bathroom and after he took his dick out right in front of me and took a piss. What a power move.
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