matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
she is unbelievable! ever pee on a girl?
not while she was awake
dude she licked ball and has every Are you afraid of the dark episode on dvd
lock that shit down
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
if someoen knew that someone accidentally drunkly kissed your boyfriend would you want them to tell you/?
followup question: what if both somones were me?
Beer is about to convince me to do something really stupid.
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
I worry about your feelings an awful lot for somebody who gets off on making you cry
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
Remember how I was complaining about how no guy has ever gotten me off?
Randomize
