You know if a vagina was a face, it'd be ugly as hell...
he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
mondays should just be called national damage control day
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
There's always one sober annoying person at a party. I hate responsible people. I just wanted to show everyone my nipples. There cute. She didn't have to stop me
There's a point around the one and a half minute mark where the keg stand goes from impressive to pathetic
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
I've made out with more people in 2014 than I did the whole fall semester
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
I should stop using "Braveheart would do it" as a basis for decision making...
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
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