i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
They're all gay and their wifi network is named HOMOS. I want to live with these people.
you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
woke up to the trail of sugar cubes leading to my bed........was i that uncooperative last night
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
On the bright side I still get a $20 referral bonus at the plasma center even though he passed out during donation because he was so high.
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
Pussy, Peanut Butter Cookies,and Bubble Wrap
Ok so I'm not gonna ignore the fact that you had sex on a frat basement floor and spent the last 4 years wondering how you got HPV
Randomize
