No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
worst. lesbian. ever. i'm not sure she knows a clit from a pencil eraser.
I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
they bought blue cups instead of red...wtf how am i supposed to pretend im on laguna beach??
I told him I'd rather have sex with his father last night. I'll admit now that I was drunk.
You chest bumped everyone we walked by on the way home... Even girls
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
When the hubs wants to wear his training mask during sex and pretend to be Bane you just go with it.
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
Hey long story short Grandma needs bail money.
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