i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
Is it wrong that im more embaressed about the karoke than the toplessness?
yo everyone went to the hospital last night
By the end of the night i was making legitimate noises not just saying moo.
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
i think that dennys waitress has my boxers
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
Well for better or worse the home brew is almost done, want to get drunk/loose your sight tonight?
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
Helped a guy at work today that did nothing but stare at my chest....safe to say the Girls were looking G.O.O.D. today.
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
Randomize
