My bed smells like naked
Haha. At least it doesn't smell like herpes
Mario Lopez is the poor mans Ryan Seacrest
im keeping my plan b box as a souvenir of my first halloween weekend in college
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
I was high enough to understand and function with 'flip' while playing brick breaker
Damn. I don't think I could ever be that high.
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
But truly, sorry about your empty vagina
Thanks boo.
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
Gotta love college... Pregamed for my 8:30 flight home this morning and gave the flight attendants all high fives when I got on the plane. Best ride of my life.
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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