if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
If she wants to think that freshman 15 means sleeping with 15 guys than so be it I just gotta make sure I'm one of them.
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
This girl has a mullet weave. I missed oakland.
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
I mean thanks for the bj but i wanna forget everything that happened last night between 11 and 5
This is like the best thing that's ever happened to us. We're getting paid to sit around get high and eat. There is a Jesus
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
Two words: blizzard sex
Have you forgotten that this whole sexy cop role play started with a comment about my mom?
Stacy lit a fart and burn half of the couch down before we can put the Flames out. Bring your truck.
Randomize
