"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
In mid-threesome, need more condoms. Wearing a sheet to the gas station. I'll keep you posted
it is a toga and you are a goddess.
We looked at pictures of a Texas banjo contest from 2006 for a half hour and then were surprised by who won. That stoned.
Haha I'm surprised I didn't see you I was drunkenly buying $70 in merchandise including a vibrating cock ring at that cvs around that time
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
So immediately after we finished having sex she started singing, "The Circle of Life", put her clothes on and then just left. I think I'm in love.
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
I woke up in a bath tub and my face was sore and it wasn't because of you, I was impressed
Never admit to being cold at those things. That is how you end up waking up the next morning naked under animal pelts... or so I have heard.
Literally I can feel my heart beat in my vagina because of how sore I am
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
You're the only person I know who would go to New Jersey to give a blowjob and I have so much respect for you for it
Randomize
