I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
he's 24. he finally texted me instead of using facebook chat. baby steps.
what is TOTES MCGOATS in spanish?
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
He called me twice and texted me at 3am. Guess absence makes the dick grow harder.
He kept asking for nudes so I sent him a picture another guys dick. He called me ruthless.
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
Plus, I have my cousin, the dominatrix, to help me out if things get out of hand
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
I think I'm pregnant again.
or as we call it, thursday.
One time she showed me her pierced nipples in our high school locker room and now she has a daughter
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
Awesome. I did a rain go away dance. And it went away. Nbd just cotrollin the weather with my mind and sweet dance moves
Randomize
