question: masturbation: how much is too much? I think i'm about to tip toe a fine line
Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
new excercise plan: walk a mile get a bj then walk a mile home
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
i am going to show so many millionaires my nipple
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
It was relaxing until your penis crawled in my ear.
I'm really glad that we can be casual hook up buddies. This is a true friendship. Now, please convince your roommate to do the same. Thanks.
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
some people popped out of a houseboat and asked us to their party. their houseboat IS A WEEDBOAT. it is full of weed they grow weed. EVERYWHERE.
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
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