I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
u got into a flexing contest with a dude in bathroom in the mirror at the club
I'm a little nervous about this St. Patty's Day party. Seriously, we're still finding stuff from the Halloween party.
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
Don't even start with me. You know damn well if you walked into a bathroom with two girls naked in the shower you would stay too. Regardless how drunk I was or whether or not you were my ride.
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
It makes no sense at first, you go with it, it's fun and entertaining and then a disaster
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
I just found weed in my bra #magicboobs2k16
So I'm at home coloring while smoking a joint. It can only go down hill from here.
He went down on me while I was on the phone with my grandma.
May I the honors of taking your dick tonight?
The honor would be all mine.
Randomize
