Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
he said he would handcuff me to his penis. thats not even possible. i want to go home.
Ohh man do you know how awkward it is to keep eye contact and have a normal conversation with someone while their hand is in your vagina?
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
We realized tonight that we have to get advice about guys from you because you're our only straight male friend that neither of us has slept with.
I'd rather be sodomized with a fullly decorated Christmas tree.
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
This is my punishment for trynna have a festive time with a stranger. I always forget you can't get weird with one night stands
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
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