you were running down the aisles of wal mart singing 'follow the yellowbrick road'. i'm pretty sure you thought the night shift workers were the munchkins & started crying when they wouldnt help u find the wizard. needless to say u were pretty stoned/wasted
we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
Have you ever chased with pilaf before? Because dont.
if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
i remember going to sleep after the 4th time i threw up this morning and hoping i didn't have to again because then it would be uneven between saturday and sunday. my ocd is getting out of control
So did I or did I not flash an entire concert last night?
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
So anyway, I'm just floating along life with my vibrator and low expectations.
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
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