Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
Does transporting jello shots count as driving with an open container?
apparently he thought telling me 'the weasel wants to come out to play' would somehow convince me to go down on him
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
WHAT THE FUCK. SUCH A BAD IDEA. YOU'RE NO LONGER IN CHARGE OF NOSE SUBSTANCES.
She's beautiful tan and skinny she will make me hate myself and that's what I need in a friend right now
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
My dick can't jump between your dick and her mouth, man. It's impossible, I think.
This couch is so comfortable I can tell if it's like a waterbed or I pissed myself
IT IS EARTH DAY, RECORD STORE DAY, 4/20 EVE, AND SATURDAY ALL AT THE SAME TIME!
These past few weeks have been a lesson on why you don't put your penis inside girls who live in your building.
Van sex tonight? No need to tell me how classy that sounded.
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
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