I can feel you judging me through the phone.
Can you imagine it being physically possible any other way unless the cows are unnaturally flexible
it was really awkward..i thought he had two dicks, but later realized it was jsut his roommate
They want me to get them some X for there wedding present. I'm on the way to get it now
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
You are like a vicious sex animal persistently seeking prey
I've made this amazing blanket/pillow cocoon combo and I am set for life in here.
Well as if this year didn't suck enough already, I can now count 2015 as the year I got chlamydia
so after 3 days of looking i found the keg...looks like somebody tried burying behind the garage
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
Randomize
