Is pulling weed out of a vagina a good thing or a bad thing?
thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
2nd semester senior, always drunk. at this point if i don't get a good parking spot, i turn around and drive home
It's just a matter of time. The ball is in my court. Soon to be in her mouth.
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
He looks like he'd be great Lego character.
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
I feel like it is our duty to make homophobic people more afraid of us. They're never going to change, but maybe we can get to a "wrath of god" kind of worship-him-or-he'll-destroy-you-with-his-care-bear-stare type thing.
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
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