I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
She's riding a tiny four-wheeler and has a Dos Equis in her hand. I at least have to meet her.
I want to bury your face in my vagina. Possibly by force. I will try not to suffocate you though.
Well it's 2pm. Time for another game of "Who, What, Where". The game where you try to guess who this girl is, what happened last night, and where'd your shit go. I'm going for 1/3 today.
That's better than I've done so far.
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
got into a verbal altercation with Luke Harangoty last night over a table. Called him a cross-eyed fuck and got the table.
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
I walked in and found you petting your fish outside the bowl, you said its fine, you do this all the Time.
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
Not sure what you smoked, but you put raw bacon on the lazy Susan and spent 45 minutes looking at it and mumbling Meat Spin
Randomize
