If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
You SHOULD feel empty, we were at the top of our game, and by that i mean snorting things we don't understand and only a few steps away from adultery.
Idea for the cake. Joints for candles. Do it.
i can't believe you just compared my dick to leprosy
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
Her boobs take up a lot of room so God had to skimp on the brains
Do you have any need for a scary clown mask?
She pretty much spent NYE measuring dicks, trying to decide which one to take home.
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
Not only did she fulfill a life long dream of mine of banging in a library, she bought me subway for lunch. I feel like I got the best gold star ever today.
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
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