I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
just walked out of chelsea's house and saw cameron slapping his dick against her car. cant even make this shit up if i tried.
I bought the tickets, he brought the weed. thanks to you, we had to roll a joint out of my bible paper.
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
Also I walked home in over mitts \nLet's take a minute to really laugh about that
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
I haven't had a normal poop since halloween, we are not mixing vodka and tequila ever again
RESPECT THE VODQUILA
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
It was great. He never spoke.
That's not why it was great, just that's all I remember.
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