the third sister isn't as attractive as the other two but I will do her anyway to finally pull off the fabled family hat trick.
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
Just painted my nails at the bar... I may be getting too comfortable here.
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
I still can't believe that dog licked my nipple.
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
That's not the problem. The problem is I thought I was over him but he smells nice today.
Soo I'm in the trunk of a car drunk about to jump on trampolines. My life rocks!
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
Sex was followed by homemade breadsticks. I waited till after the breadsticks were gone to tell her i had a gf.
Randomize
