I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
theres a difference between trying to make someone happy and letting them fuck you in the ass
i just called. the lady was really nice. something tells me my schools clinic gets a lot of calls about chlamydia
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
I can't in good conscience help you bag a Catholic girl who isn't at least a 7.
he was having a black light party and drinking manischewitz wine out of a three foot tall trophy he stole from mcdonald's...that's when I decided it was time to leave
That Kevin guy is something else...His penis is fucking glorious. And he has a way with words. If he lived here I'd be the conductor of the fuck caboose. I mean literally I would never want to get off that thing.
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
He saved that picture of my boobs for good luck romance still exists
It was great. We stayed up all night talking about objects he'd put in his theoretical vagina.
Literally.... Guy kissing himself in mirror in this hotel elevator
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
Blacking out in the security line at the airport is not nearly as fun as blacking out in the lunch line at the dining hall.
Randomize
