I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
I'm eating the rest of the Xmas shrooms and welcoming 2012 by communing with the pine cone.
figured after she passed out and i threw up in her bed, morning sex would be pushing it.
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
Just fyi there is a naked girl somewhere in your house. I woke up and she was gone, definitely left her clothes tho
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
As for the other mouse...I don't have any mouse traps so I put a Jell-O shot on the ground. Party hard little dude.
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
Nobody cheats on THIS.
Randomize
