im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
like if someone fucked a dictionary but instead of having a penis, it was just one of those leap frog educational toys
I hope to god you are high
she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
So yeah you need to stop having near death experiences at McDonalds.
I was pissed last night bc this girl didn't want to have sex but offered to reimburse me for the condoms. That just made me upset
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
N.C. cops just used a megaphone to tell me I have a slutty outfit. My life is complete.
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
I was wearing my get used bookstore shirt when we fucked. Ironic yet appropriate.
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
I just can't have sex in the car again. it's just too much
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
Randomize
