I wish my penis had an off switch
he wasnt completely random
you're right. you met him once and didnt know his name. you still dont
i get things done.
Draw a picture of yourself puking and peeing on her and give it to her with a note that sys this could be your future if you be my friend
tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
There where 3 half naked girls passed out on the pool table, I crawled under it and just as I was about to go to sleep some guy walks up and says: "dude nice spot" walks away and comes back with a pillow.
There are twenty thousand men on this campus, please have sex with someone who isn't my drug dealer
Just did a "spirit of homecoming" bump off a stranger's credit card. A stranger that dropped us off at home. Erica's bad. How do allllll of the Eastern Europeans know how to find drugs so easily?!?
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
I chased him for half a mile, lost him then somehow ended up at his house. Is that still considered stalking? I WAS drunk.
Hypothetically speaking, when I get a sugar glider would it be frowned upon to bring it Ito classes with me in m pocket?
The bar tender had his entire hand down your asscrack.
I forgot about that. I was in MULTIPLE dimensions.
Randomize
