woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
Take your time, they're doing body shots off the dog.
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
With the amount of g's you put on going I'm gonna guess you're drinking alone again
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
I don't know if trying Molly for the first time before my flight was an awesome or aweful idea
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
Or I could hide in your trunk so you can sneak out of putt putt for sex breaks
My flask has coffee in it for finals week.. So that's responsible right?
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
Thanks. It's every girl's dream, right? To blow a bald marketing consultant 12 years her senior?
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
I did a line off of, and then danced on top of a table older than this country.
Harvard is great.
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