I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
Even DaVinci knew it was gay to draw the penis big. Thanks art history
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
If a Romanian girl's marriage isn't considered legal in the US then she's fair game right?
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
This taxi driver is not happy I am in drag
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
How many fucks given?
0.12846
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
Sometimes a man just deserves to get woken up with a blowjob.
Even my conscience is telling me to take this Wednesday's exam buzzed.
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