I went out, and slept with my sunglasses on
Honestly I wish you never came into my life. I know I don't want you. But I keep trying to get you back bc of the memories
I don't see you I see the memories. All the time
My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
This girl caught me staring at the cat but stroking the computer because it was closer, which is why I hate blunts.
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
I don't fucking care about the convenience of not having freudian slips. I spent 2009-2011 screwing around with 3 different Daniels. 2012 WILL be the dawn of a new day
How about a mike?
Already had two of those
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
I'm not just straddling the line between love and hate, I'm dry humping the shit out of it
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
Eventually the conversation shifted (as it always does) to Sex toys.
Randomize
