Totally saw a hot amputee. I think this is called character growth.
had another sex dream about alec baldwin...
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
CAUTION: TWINS DO NOT HAVE TWIN PENISES.
its family weekend so i'm givin my little bro a tour of everywhere ive thrown up on campus
Heb just said, and I quote, "let's go to Who's On Third and fuck a fishbowl with our mouths. I am going to fuck this van." and then he humped a van.
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night�
I just used crown royal bags as pot holders...
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
I can't be held responsible for another man's penis.
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
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