Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
you think she would figure it out that ever dude that fucks her is just doing it bc they are in a contest to bang the fattest girl
There is a newly found video on my phone of me following you to the bathroom to watch you throw up. sorry I didn't hold your hair
I don't care if shes your sisters age. Once someone is on my to do list theres only one way to get them off it
I am dressed. And we didn't do anything. He's gorgeous and tall tho. Something nice to look at when I'm hungover
Make sure you have everything youll need until sunday. aka a green shirt and condoms.
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
That basically sounds like the worst party of my life, and I'm including my brother's World of Warcraft themed birthday party.
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
I WAS KIDDING ABOUT SLUTEMBER BUT ITS ACTUALLY HAPPENING
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
Randomize
