OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.
i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
the only reason I knew his name is because half way through I looked up and it was tatooed on his chest.
Im not sure if he just tripped or was star gazing, but i gave him head anyway.
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
You passed out while holding my hair during a blow job.. i think your gona have to earn back blow jobs
Can we skip lunch and do power hour sex time from now on? I'll let you eat nachos off my body if you really need the food.
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
Well I didn't know she was a dominatrix...so I kind of just went with it
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
That's the only way to watch Gumby. Either age 5 or high.
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
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