Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
I'll never ask another girl to get on top again, that girl from the bar last night got on top and shit diareah all over my ball sack while she was cumming.
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
well we could tame deer to let us ride on them. does that work?
so not only am i rooming with two chicks on the volleyball team, but we just put down the deposit on a hot tub. this is going to be the best summer ever for my dick.
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
WE SHOULD FUCK TWO GUYS THAT LIVE TOGETHER
THAT WOULD BE SO CONVENIENT WE COULD CARPOOL
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
If a clean cut ginger with a flannel and tattoos shows up at the apartment, he is allowed inside.
Overall a good night - broke my toe giving that cop a blowjob though...so there's that...
If its not for food we ain't going out.
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