I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
We have to give a final comment in english, i think i might say "i learned it's a bad idea to make out with people in your classes who have girlfriends."
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
I've taken to hiding pictures of us around his room so that he'll forever feel guilty for dumping me on Valentine's Day... And to potentially cock block any hook ups.
I'll throw in a blow job for your kind ways. Or another booty call. I'm poor and not very imaginative. This is all I have to offer- the unicorn like wonders of my vagina.
I'm a terrible friend...i should have come right over instead of having sex for an hour and a half. :/ want anything from burger king?
New rule for Thursdays: no high gymnastics
Is it rude to ask for an autograph after giving him a blowjob in their hotel's hot tub?
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
He took initiative. Dragged me into the kitchen and did me on the stove....while it was on! And then we made nachos.
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
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