this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
No, I'm not okay. Girls are wearing BUMPITS here.
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
look, i dont wanna be "that girl" but if someone offers me coke in exchange for sex, i cant say no.
She saves ONE person's life while blacked out and now she's positive anything can be done "while fucking hammered"
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
You're not horrible. Thank you for my pandas.
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
Oh, and let me go get some popcorn, watching you make your own decisions should be quite the shitshow.
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I blew a Trump supporter.
Wait, how many people just saw my dick?
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
Randomize
