i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
good. and stop kissing my girl you dirty slut.
i don't think she's still your girl..plus, she kept screaming "kiss me! i'm a lesbian!" last night so i think you're outta luck..
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
Idk how she did it. Either she watches freakier porn than I do, or I really need to go get tested.
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
So coach him. No guy wants to admit being unsure of something in bed. It's a man-law or something.
I'm hiding in a cabinet. I'm going to stay here.
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
I want to get "Patrick Kane" wasted tonight
I am one hundred percent down for that
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
just chugging fertility tea and vodka, no big deal.
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
Randomize
