This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
everything was going good until you started showing off the pictures of poop you took with your phone
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
I've been here 20 minutes and some creepy old man told me he wanted to know what my insides felt like. I hate gay bars.
Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
Goldenshlager is a hell of a drink. And these are the adventures ur missing out on w me. I gave someone a bath Emily. A BATH.
Awkward
Can't say I wouldn't let it happen again.
View of Vancouver Bay is obscured though the greasy hand prints from fucking against the window. Tip maid well.
She's really sweet and cute, but when she drinks, she becomes way too proud of her bush.
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
Randomize
