I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
he keeps his weed in a birkenstock shoe box. its like, we get it, youre from oregon.
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
In preparation of Wine in the Woods next weekend, today we're hosting Straight Vodka in the Bathtub
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
Dude next time u fuck on our counters will u please let me know BEFORE I make lunch.
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
An hour is enough time for me to get drunk and win a dry hump marathon so I hope you have somewhat similar or better goals
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
Randomize
