He ate me out and then left in a hurry and shouted "Sorry to dine and dash" as he left my house
I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
I'm pretty sure we scarred one of our coworkers. This is the second time he has caught us both fully undressed and banging at work.
Either he has bad timing or he wants to join.
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
Was that you I seen riding on the top of a cab? Way to start the new year
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
I need a hobby that isn't dick related
He's coming over again? GIRL, you're thoroughly enjoying the month of Dicktember.
We kept having to tell you that you couldn't just sit wherever you wanted at Walmart. Sitting in the middle of the raw meat section was unacceptable and children were staring at you.
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
Randomize
