Everytime I think about NYE, my gag reflex kicks in.
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
Except there is my pee all over the walls now
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
You popped the Plan B pill then clapped twice, said "mischief managed" and headed tward the bar.
Momentum is force x velocity. So therefore velocity is 0 - hammered, and force is ur legs locked up and ur face hits the ground.
I felt paralized they just wouldnt move. We need segways when were drunk cuz if we start to fall forward they well take off and save the fall.
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
I woke up next to a box of cheese bread it was super romantic
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
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