Fuck, operation next sex victim is on as soon as i get back. Do not sleep with that red head, nobody likes accidental ginger babies.
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
Rosemary is literally sitting on the ground holding on to the rug because she thinks she is going to fall if she lets go. We smoked way too much.
These bubbles make my penis feel like it is resting on clouds.
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
I'm going to teach Troy such valuable life lessons. Yesterday I told him to stay away from girls who drink redbull and vodkas.
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
Also, can next Friday be Long Underwear Friday instead of Jockstrap Friday? Because I'm about to cough up a testicle.
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
Randomize
