i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
He hid IN a snowbank for 2 hours waiting for me to come home. This game has to stop before someone dies.
She looked at my facebook and decided to bump the security deposit up an extra 250...now we have to destroy the house, its expected and I wouldn't want to disappoint
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
So yeah she lost her virginity in a wheel chair with a broken pelvis. I'm still trying to figure out how I should feel about that.
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
Know your penis has been the topic of conversation over glasses of wine.
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
Also I literally googled "how to fold socks" so that's how my day is going. How's yours?
DON NOT, UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES WATCH CLOWN PORN.
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
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